Why?

Now I know that normally when someone asks why, the typcial answer is , why not? (Well, that's my answer). But that isn't gonna work in this situation

The question? why is it that the things that matter the most to me are the most difficult? Here i am writing an application essay for this conference that i REALLY want to go to. It is in Germany at the end of the summer. Its a conference about langauge documentation and preservation, which is one of the possilbe carreers that i'm considering persuing. This would be a 10 day course for me to try it out....Why can't i come up with the words to tell them that.... PLEASE LET ME COME... maybe that will be my application essay.
I think i'm scared. If i don't do a good job, then i can blame not getting in on the fact that i didn't try that hard. If i do a good job and i get rejected, then i have to deal with the fact that they don't want me there. What's a girl to do?
But just for the record, this not being able to do the things that matter to me most kind of situation is the story of my life. There are so many things i want to do, want to say... but i can't, well, no, i can, i just don't. Maybe by the time i gather up the courage to do something different it will be too late.
Why am i such a chicken? I used to be a superhero.