In someone elses words

I used to hate being called cute. Little kids and animals are cute. I wanted to be stunning. For years, and years, I've tried to fight it. Now of course, I"m a little more accepting. Nonetheless, I laughed out loud when I read this.


"He told me I was cute in the moonlight. I wished he'd said beautiful. Cute made me feel like a garden gnome."

~From Miriam Toews, A complicated kindness

Reform

Out of sheer boredom and insatiable restlessness, I decided to go shopping. Yesterday's yoga class left me with a hankering for a Yoga mat of my own and some new pants.

I went to Winners. The last time I was there they featured a veritable plethora of yoga mats. Different sizes, colours, and most importantly thickness levels. Today, they had 3. None of which were too my liking.

I looked for some pants, but having a very particular design in mind, I again, found nothing.

So I wandered the store. Purses, shoes, jewelry, tops, skirts and kitchen stuff. I found some stuff that I would like to own. So I carried it around with me. Then all of a sudden, the nagging little voice came into my head and reminded me that although the items I picked out were quite lovely and reasonably priced, I didn't need them. Sure, I could create a need for them. But really, it was just more stuff to take up more space and waste more money.

After I left Winners, I stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart for a minute. I got sucked into the makeup section. And the same thing happened. I looked at lovely new eyeshadows that I wanted to own. And lovely new blush. Then I remembered, I have a ton of makeup already. So I got what I went in for and left.

You should be proud of me. And if nothing else, my Visa balance thanks me. Besides, I'm busy scheming a vacation to Scotland at the moment. More to come on that later.

Insecurity

Do you remember the opening scene of Beauty and the Beast? Either the stage musical or the movie will do. Belle walks through the town. Everyone knows everyone, they smile, say hello and offer the same things every day. It's a habit, it's a pattern.

My morning usually goes like that. Every morning when I walk through the door of the buliding, I smile, wave and/or nod at the security staff on my way by. They always wave back. I then pick up the mail from the main floor mail slot. I take the elevator (closest to security) to the 5th floor. I drop my stuff in the office, check my email, then my voicemail. Then, I go get coffee.

As I waited by the the elevator this morning, with 2 coffees and one bottle of Orange Juice, one of the security guards called out to get my attention. I couldn't tell if he called me by name or by just saying 'excuse me". He walked hastily towards me. Stood a little too close for my liking (only about 2.5 feet between us, I like 3-4) and then said: "What is your job title?"
"My job title?"
" Yes. your job title"
So I told him. No abbreviations. No BS-ing. I gave him my very official job title. I even included the name of the organization I work for since it is a part of my job title. I gave him the two job titles I hold in the organization.
He thanked me, muttered something about being curious and walked away.

The man who was also waiting for the elevator looked at me with a look that bordered on puzzled and commiserating. He was just as confused as I was.

Strange. Very strange. and now, I can't help but feeling a little insecure around security.

Defeat

I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else to look. On April 21, I had 3 tickets to Cirque du Soleil. Now I have none. Not one. No tickets, anywhere to be found.

My room is the cleanest it's ever been. Ever. I was sure they would turn up when I did the top to bottom clean of my room. They didn't.

I was doing an awful lot of crafting around the time of purchase. So tonight, I reorganized all the craft stuff. It's the cleanest it's ever been, and I still have no tickets.

I looked in all the coat pockets. I even looked in all the shoe drawers, the bathroom cupboard, the kitchen bookshelf. I've looked under everything in the house. Still nothing.

I went to the box office today, but they don't replace lost tickets. Which I guess means I'm SOL.
I'll need to replace at least two of the tickets because they were for 2 someone elses. If any one knows of anyone with tickets to sell, I'll pay whatever it is they're asking.

I've admitted defeat. I don't think there is anywhere else to look. At this point I'm thinking they might have accidentally gotten thrown out. And it sucks big time. Because all I've wanted for many many years is to get to a Cirque du Soleil show. It was so close, so within reach. And for some stupid reason, I just let go.